SHEER JEAN-IOUS

Philly Votes On New Progam
To Aid Malnourished Local Hipsters

Camel Doe apologizes for the late start today. He was out voting! And in the booth, he spotted something amazing. A new bill proposed recently by Congress was added to the ballot today as a "must see" issue.

In the past two years, there has been an alarming drop in the average weight of the Philadelphia male.

Though known for its cheesesteaks, while walking through the city, one may not believe that all of these bike-riding, studded-belt-wearing male waifs even know where Pat's or Geno's is!
These scads of skinny males are everywhere, and researchers contribute this to several factors:

1. A surge in the number of vegan restaurants and the increase in the amount of coupons offered by Whole Foods. They love that tofu!

2. With gas prices constantly rising, many of these males prefer to ride their bikes, adding daily exercise to their paltry appetites has only made them thinner!

3. With food prices also on the rise, popular hipster hangouts have dropped the prices of their signature specials, most notably, the Pabst with a shot of Jim Beam, otherwise known as "scenester breakfast".

Philly males' weight loss has had a negative effect on the cheesesteak economy (yes, there is such a thing!), and also in the self esteem of Philadelphia's women, who comparing waistlines with the males, feel the need to compete.

We spoke to one resident, 27 year old female Began Mrown, who shared her thoughts on the subject.

"Yeah, I thought I had a pretty smokin' bod, but this summer, noticing all these tiny waisted dudes, I feel like I can't walk down the street without bein' nervous about showin' a muffin top. You know, when your stomach goes over your pants. I started sittin' up straight on the bus and everything."

She added that she noticed numerous females have also felt the need to go so far as to restrict their diets!

"Yeah, I only order the 12 inch stromboli now...any larger...I just feel....guilty. And not just me, like...everyone in my sudoku club."

Thankfully, however, Philadelphia residents will vote on the new bill today, "Preparation Hipster", nicknamed ("Preparation H") to halt any further weight decline in local males. The bill also recommends programs that encourage weight gain, such as "Cheese Steak and Donut Tuesday" "No Tofu Friday" and mandatory weigh-ins at Whole Foods.

Camel Doe encourages all Philly residents voting today to support Preparation H, before these little guys wither away any further!

VOTE NOW!


Additional Reporting By: Megan Brown