The Candy Man Can

Philly Welcomes World's Largest Pinata, Sugar-Rushed Crowd Ransacks Local Dunkin' Donuts





Everyone was there. Even the "Big Man" himself! Sweet-tooth Ryan Howard was seen angrily demanding an even bigger bat than he usually uses to get himself some goodies. After a few futile attempts at whacking candy out of the creature with his bare hands, he slunk away to Subway sandwich shop, where he once again got behind the counter. Expertly slapping together a footlong, he spoke passionately of his desire to quit baseball and become a "sandwich artist".

In other news, the Broad st. Dunkin' Donuts is now out of Munchkins, and kindly asks the rowdy patrons outside to "Back. The. Fuck. Off."

Diabetes rates in the city are expected to jump to one-day high.


Reported by Megan Brown
photo by T. Howley