BEVERLY HILLS 90210 WISDOM

"All I know is he's a good-looking guy who's big enough to scare the balls off a pool table." -Steve
-------------
"Sensitive, vulnerable. I'd open with the dead grandmother line." -Steve
-------------
"Kelly, I'm not gonna compete with trust funds. And as for Mexico- Mexico my ass!" -Matt
-------------
"I'm not impressed. Donna's allergic to chocolate. She can't eat her own cake!" -Noah
-------------
"If I only had two days left, I'd do something incredibly reckless. I'd throw an illegal rave. You?" -Valerie

THE EAVESDROPPER

Overheard today:

Girl- Yeah I usually go to bed at like 4:30 and get up at 12:30.
Boy- Isn't being unemployed great?
Girl- I'm lonely though.
Boy- You're lonely? I'm lonely.
Girl #2- Guys, I told you it wasn't morning. It's like 2 in the afternoon!

-Overheard at Gleaners cafe in Italian market 12/30/08

THE EAVESDROPPER

Overheard this weekend:

"If anyone tells me they don't like beer, I always find a beer that they like. And they're like, 'oh, that's so good.' Even your sister!"
-man at the Latimer Deli, 15th and Spruce.
9pm Saturday Dec. 27th

SURE, CALL IT A COMEBACK!!

Camel Doe is back in town! And boy, has he missed you. Camel Doe apologizes for his short leave of absense from the internet fake news world. He was off in the Bahamas finishing his finals and completing his studies for his Ph.D!

Camel Doe stayed at a nice resort, where he and his fellow pupils spent time observing marine life. He now has a degree in Aquatic Relations and Dolphin Activity.

It wasn't all academics, though. In his spare time, Camel Doe got to gamble, bet on some Eagles football, and take a water slide through a shark tank. Good times!

He is happy to be back.

SHOW ME YOUR JOE E. TATAS! ...Beverly Hills 90210 Wisdom

Just for you: Camel Doe has been collecting juicy nuggets of wisdom from his fave soap... Try not O.D. on the genius!


Dylan to Gina: "You finding that stash was the best thing that's ever happened to me."
Gina to Dylan: "I don't want to date a guy that's doing drugs."
Dylan: "Would you feel better if I was in a band?"

"Move in together? I don't know, Valerie. You've been in such a dark place lately. I mean, the memories of your dad's abuse. And last week with the whole bone marrow thing...." -David Silver

Dylan to Kelly: "We were together....in another life!"


......more to come!

Milk Carton

CVS SQUIRREL: Where have you gone?
This little guy has been missing from the bush area near the 11th st. CVS parking lot. Camel Doe's trips to pick up toiletries have not been the same since his favorite squirrel went missing. Have you seen the CVS squirrel? Contact us if you have!

Stoya from up da block

Last week’s Citypaper cover was Betty Crocker moistened by Stoya, the Philly based porn star who is making more and more folks seek refuge in their locked rooms with computers in them and lights a tad dimmed vampiric. I don’t want to actually talk about the article; I feel that I’m more focused on the reaction of the people who read the Matt Stroud cover piece and make wild assumptions as to what was on everyone’s minds. Pickled thoughts may have passed through their heads as they were unable to see the inky script shadowed by her ass: “Do my eyes deceive me? We have a porn star in our city? In Philadelphia? And she lives here? Man, I sure do hope I run into her on the street. I’d buy her a drink…or a car.” I watch as much porn as the next person with a sexual pulse in their pants, but I never really follow the names of the “actors”.

Personally, all I need is several minutes with my desktop’s volume at it’s lowest, and an attractive no name gal on the screen—in oh so many pixels—doing things to herself or other people the gals I know or knew never did to me. (I don’t know what my past peeps whom I’ve exchanged pleasantries did with other people...I don’t want to know)

I can’t say that I didn’t bother to look her up online, because…why kid myself…and you. She is very pretty, torpedoes raisin titties, and has a brain—not to insinuate that people who make money by fucking on camera don’t have “brains”, I just assume most don’t. (In all fairness, I don’t have a brain) I was only able to find one video of her on redtube.com—she was rockin’ a huge inanimate teddy bear’s world with sexually magnetic maneuvers. I wasn’t impressed, but then again I hadn’t seen her with anything human yet and—no pun intended—I didn’t look very hard. If she can flip the hoo-hoo hearty on the hot chip with someone who isn’t stuffed with cotton, who knows, I might even buy her a car...or a sci-fi/fantasy novel.

On a side note: Guys, if you’re permitted to go swimming in saltwater, remember to always wear a condom.

Z. Willis

THE EAVESDROPPER

Overheard Today:

"This reminds me of a movie that..... I really, really didn't like."

-a friend of Camel Doe witnessing an episode of Gossip Girl for the first time.

The Morning After Spill: News From Last Night

Eagles Puss Out To Tie Bengals 13-13.

NFL Sees Its First Tie Game in 6 Years.

The Eagles sluggishly pulled through an overtime after an excruciating game against the Cincinnati Bengals. Fans who managed to sit through the nearly 4-hour event claimed the team to be "careless" and McNabb's constant errors to be "throw-your-hands-up-frustrating." Playing what might be the worst team in the league, the Eagles were thought to have at least won by a few points, but managed, after overtime, to tie. 

In a post-game interview, Brian Westbrook shrugged off the loss, and, staring down McNabb, stated "I guess I can always go work at Subway with Ryan Howard."

Coach Andy Reid, in his typical vague fashion, would not directly answer queries as to why the team "sucked ass." He merely mumbled "well...we didn't.... lose....we.....humphhhh...tied. It's not...a win....but...not a loss either."

Well thank you for clearing that up. 

The League of Extraordinary Whoring

Well, if I can’t find a job during this economic crisis, I know what profession I’m going into…the oldest one. I’m talkin’ ‘bout pros-tee-too-shawn! That’s right. I'll be a pro at it too. I’ll have coupon days, golden shower hours, California roll-cations, Bronx bombers in the butt(s), Candle wax thrillers, pearl sauce on dat caboose goose, spider-hole clot climbin’ and all sorts of Gizzy-McGizziness.

Let’s hope it never gets to that point and I can find a nice job at a university library surrounded by all that Tennyson.

OH, SNAP: Intriguing Picture

Florida Mom Admits To Excess 

Fanny Pack Ownership

How many? Well, enough to fill this (shameful) box.

So-Crates On Septa

Every once in a while I find trinkets of truth in the world, advice I would normally call wisdom, but when the deep thinker is a teenager from west philly, I find the philosophy is way ahead of the philosopher:

"If dogs aren't supposed to eat toothpaste from the trashcan...then why do these companies make them taste like mint?"

In a weird way, I was sort of impressed. This kid would make an excellent TV writer one day.

Rubber Balls...

Let’s play a little game. After every question I ask you, you have to say “Rubber Balls and Liquor” Okay, Ready to play? And go…

What did you buy when you went to the store?

What did Tony steal after he left your party?

What did you do to his girlfriend when he left for college?

Ah...you get it? In 3^rd grade when I was told this joke, I understood the dirty hilariousness of the “liquor” part, but the “rubber balls” confused me. When hearing this, I remember going home thinking to myself, “girls have balls?” and for three years, not until my family finally possessed cable TV, and me spending many a shadowy night viewing a certain premium channel called Cinemax (to most adolescent boys who were lucky enough to have the channel, it was donned Skinemax) where there were a b-movie naked gal o’ plenty. I then learned that girls didn’t have the dangly parts I knew myself to have, but a rather crude sideways eye with bushy brows eclipsing this meaty-flowery O'Keefe thing. I can’t say that I was relieved—shocked is more like it—to have this critical information revealed to me—in those three years, fantasies of the lunchroom lady I now know were really, really fucked up. Camel doe indeed.

Z. Willis

Disputed Song Lyric

Why do we scream at each other
This is what it sounds like
When doves cry

-Prince

Actually, Camel Doe would like to point out, human screams and crying doves sound very little like each other. Doves crying is a bit more sad, but lovely in an operatic sort of way. Especially when you’re dancing around to Prince, wearing glitter.

THE MORNING AFTER SPILL: News From Last Night

Eagles Defeated By

Giants 36-31

Joe Biden and fans ignore loss,

enjoy crab fries.

"I've been in line since just before half-time!" exclaims one fan. "The Eagles could win, or they could lose. But the one thing I can always be certain of is the deliciousness of my crab fries. Mmmm."

Good luck next week, fellas. In related news, Brian Westbrook continues to be totally awesome despite the team's loss.

Report & Illustration By: Megan Brown

WHITE HOUSEWARMING

New Elect Obama & President To Meet Today In Oval Office, Bush Practicing Shadow Puppets.

Today at 2pm, President Elect Barack Obama will meet with President Bush to discuss economic strategy and the overall future of our nation.

Barack told MSNBC that he expects to have a "substantive conversation" with Bush.

Bush told our news blog he is excited to welcome Obama into the oval office, and can't wait to show him "where all the secret bathrooms are....I wonder if he knows I just signed an order to conduct raids against terror groups. And we're going to play cards. I'm gettin' real good at Go Fish."

Camel Doe will keep you updated on the outcome of their meeting, as well as who wins the card game.

Reported by: Megan Brown

THE EAVESDROPPER

Man Snubs Dog





Overheard Today:


"Get this coke whore offa me."

-Houseguest at Brown residence, reacting to hyper Chihuahua "Lola" bouncing on their lap.




Photo & Reporting By: M. Brown

THE 575: haikus

Short poems for a blog
You can call me Milk Shakes-peare
I loves chocolate and rhymes
---------------------

If they believe me
I'll be getting baby gifts
On April Fools Day
---------------------

Online dieting
According to some websites
I have "hoagie arms"

Want to write your own haiku? Just write three lines, the first line must have 5 syllables, the second has 7, and the third has 5. It's that simple! And they don't even have to make sense. Now try a few of your own and go impress that girl at the coffee shop.

By: D. Wilkins, M. Brown

THE EAVESDROPPER

Overheard Today:

Wedding Guests Give Late Notice-
Cause Panic, Possible Chicken Shortage.

"Well maybe some people won't show up. They're bringing their kids, too?! Maybe we'll get lucky and someone won't show up. 'Cause I don't know where they're going to sit. They'll have to order off the menu. We'll make it work. Maybe somebody won't show up. Maybe somebody won't show up. Maybe somebody won't show up."
-Barbara Brown, receiving an RSVP a mere 5 hours before the big event, on this, the day of her daughter's wedding.

Reported by-Camel Doe and contributing writer Megan Brown, live from Florida, where they'd like to remind readers that, however funny, it is impolite to crash weddings.

OH, SNAP: Intriguing Picture

Guess what this lovely landscape is.

















Send your answers to cameldoe@gmail.com.
Winner gets a tube of bright red lipstick.
The same brand used by Camel Doe himself!
HINT: it's edible and sweet!

Glove, Actually!

Phillies Shane Victorino

and Jimmy Rollins win

Gold Gloves. Ry-Ho and

Chutley are happy to just take home Subway sandwiches

and hot ladies.

"Phillies" illustration by M. Brown

Disputed Song Lyric

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind
-Stated by Bob Dylan
Why this one was very obvious! Camel Doe says everyone knows that if you need an answer to any of life’s big questions, that answer does not blow in the wind. It comes when you put your ear up to a sea shell! Duh. Camel Doe likes to get his answers from the whispers of sea shells and then put on glitter and dance around the beach.

'GRAM CRACKER

Obama Snags Presidency,

Attributes Victory

To Youth Vote,

Will.i.am Hologram.

Who knew? Well, Camel Doe did! Barack Obama won the presidential election Tuesday, quickly defeating John McCain. Obama took a "crazy amount" of the electoral college votes, and was proclaimed winner well before midnight. Camel Doe had only knocked back his second Zima when the winner was announced. And after that, boy did he celebrate!
When asked, Camel Doe's favorite news anchor, the "Silver Fox" Anderson Cooper, stated that he was sure the win was due to CNN broadcasting a hologram of "that fellow from the Black Eyed Peas...what's his name...the singer who sings about humps?" However it happened, Camel Doe and his writers wish everyone a happy election week. Now what will we celebrate here in Philly since all the victories are won? Eagles game, anyone?

SHEER JEAN-IOUS

Philly Votes On New Progam
To Aid Malnourished Local Hipsters

Camel Doe apologizes for the late start today. He was out voting! And in the booth, he spotted something amazing. A new bill proposed recently by Congress was added to the ballot today as a "must see" issue.

In the past two years, there has been an alarming drop in the average weight of the Philadelphia male.

Though known for its cheesesteaks, while walking through the city, one may not believe that all of these bike-riding, studded-belt-wearing male waifs even know where Pat's or Geno's is!
These scads of skinny males are everywhere, and researchers contribute this to several factors:

1. A surge in the number of vegan restaurants and the increase in the amount of coupons offered by Whole Foods. They love that tofu!

2. With gas prices constantly rising, many of these males prefer to ride their bikes, adding daily exercise to their paltry appetites has only made them thinner!

3. With food prices also on the rise, popular hipster hangouts have dropped the prices of their signature specials, most notably, the Pabst with a shot of Jim Beam, otherwise known as "scenester breakfast".

Philly males' weight loss has had a negative effect on the cheesesteak economy (yes, there is such a thing!), and also in the self esteem of Philadelphia's women, who comparing waistlines with the males, feel the need to compete.

We spoke to one resident, 27 year old female Began Mrown, who shared her thoughts on the subject.

"Yeah, I thought I had a pretty smokin' bod, but this summer, noticing all these tiny waisted dudes, I feel like I can't walk down the street without bein' nervous about showin' a muffin top. You know, when your stomach goes over your pants. I started sittin' up straight on the bus and everything."

She added that she noticed numerous females have also felt the need to go so far as to restrict their diets!

"Yeah, I only order the 12 inch stromboli now...any larger...I just feel....guilty. And not just me, like...everyone in my sudoku club."

Thankfully, however, Philadelphia residents will vote on the new bill today, "Preparation Hipster", nicknamed ("Preparation H") to halt any further weight decline in local males. The bill also recommends programs that encourage weight gain, such as "Cheese Steak and Donut Tuesday" "No Tofu Friday" and mandatory weigh-ins at Whole Foods.

Camel Doe encourages all Philly residents voting today to support Preparation H, before these little guys wither away any further!

VOTE NOW!


Additional Reporting By: Megan Brown

WATCHIN' THE ELECTIVES

Tonight, on the eve of a big election day, Camel Doe and his contributing writers want to remind you not to neglect the other important election:
The decision of who will become the next Happy Cow.
Do your part, and let your voice be heard!

Go to http://www.realcaliforniamilk.com


You too can make a difference.

Vote for Kirsten!!

OH, SNAP: Intriguing Picture of the Day

7-11 Employee Outs Love Between Coffee & Cup...Exhibits Lovely Manners

photo by M. Brown

Disputed Song Lyric

"Black Is The Color Of My True Love's Hair"
-Stated by Nina Simone





Camel Doe's Verdict:
This one is debatable. Though there is some chance that one's true love does have dark enough hair to be considered "black", we can't discount the remaining hair colors: grey, blonde, red, brown, etc.

A true love could have any or even all of these hair colors, therefore the song lyric can not be considered pure fact. It falls under the "if applicable" category. Still, a lovely tune. Though Camel Doe's favorite Nina song happens to be "My Baby Just Cares For Me". He likes to put on glitter and dance around to it.

THE MORNING AFTER SPILL: News From Yesterday

Eagles Win Big. Philly Fans Too Sleepy From Weeklong 

Beer Binge & Pinata Beating To Muster Up Cheer.

"I've been asleep since halftime!"- quotes one fan.

Good job boys! We'll be ready for you next time.

In other news, very entertaining episodes of both Desperate Housewives and Dexter aired last night. 

Check 'em out On Demand if you got it.

Cartoon & Reporting By:  M. Brown

The Candy Man Can

Philly Welcomes World's Largest Pinata, Sugar-Rushed Crowd Ransacks Local Dunkin' Donuts





Everyone was there. Even the "Big Man" himself! Sweet-tooth Ryan Howard was seen angrily demanding an even bigger bat than he usually uses to get himself some goodies. After a few futile attempts at whacking candy out of the creature with his bare hands, he slunk away to Subway sandwich shop, where he once again got behind the counter. Expertly slapping together a footlong, he spoke passionately of his desire to quit baseball and become a "sandwich artist".

In other news, the Broad st. Dunkin' Donuts is now out of Munchkins, and kindly asks the rowdy patrons outside to "Back. The. Fuck. Off."

Diabetes rates in the city are expected to jump to one-day high.


Reported by Megan Brown
photo by T. Howley

THE EAVESDROPPER

Hipsters Talk Black Mold, Facebook...


Overheard Today:

"There's really been a resurgence of people on facebook that are from Mount Laurel.....(short pause)....But yeah dude that shit is mold. Do you see that black stuff on the kitchen ceiling? Black mold, that shit'll kill you after a while. We could try to scrape it off but...man I wouldn't even tell the landlord, man, we should just move. I'm not tryin' to frustrate you. I'm not tryin' to frustrate you."


-noted by Megan. 10:15 a.m. Gleaners Cafe. 9th st.
"Hipster" illustration by M. Brown

Phils Take World Series, City Still NOT Ablaze.

Camel Doe just couldn’t be happier about the World Series. He even had a special little red hat made with slots for his ears to stick out.
“Yay, Phillies!” he exclaims.

Being the savvy little creature that he is, Camel Doe was left with much to think about.
He was most surprised at how well-behaved his fellow Phans were the past few days. Despite a few fires, overturned cars, and stolen luggage.
“Really?” Camel Doe asks- “luggage?!"

Everyone celebrating did a nice job of NOT burning the whole city to the ground. Sure, Camel Doe did wish it was a bit easier to squeeze into a bar after the parade
“It’s two o’clock somewhere!” he says.

But all in all it was a nice, fair-weathered celebration.

Another thing Camel Doe noticed was the amazing, monkey-like ability suddenly attained by Philly residents. How quickly Camel Doe spotted folks climbing onto light posts, trees, subway entrance roofs and parking garages.
“What fun that seems!” he says. “If only my devilishly flat hoofs were able to grip and scale tall objects like my fellow celebrants!”

Though he wasn’t able to climb, Camel Doe was particularly proud of himself when he tossed his Grey Goose bottle at a man who pushed him aside to ascend onto a traffic light, beaning him right on the head and causing him to fall into the street!
“That’ll teach douche bags to knock me out of the way!”- he says proudly.

Great job Phillies! In the magnificent words of Chase Utley:

“World fucking champs!”

Brave Little Monkeys!

Phils Phans Scale Trees, Roofs

Disputed Song Lyric Of The Day

"Physics makes us

all its bitches"

-Declared by Of Montreal, in the tune "Gronlandic Edit"

Upon first listen, Camel Doe saw no need to question this line. However, once he listened closer, he discovered the line was not "Physics makes us SOLIDS, bitches" (a true statement!) but "ALL ITS bitches." So, naturally, he went on to investigate.

His findings:

Albert Einstein explained it best.

"The supreme task of the physicist is to arrive at those universal elementary laws from which the cosmos can be built up by pure deduction. There is no logical path to these laws; only intuition, resting on sympathetic understanding of experience, can reach them." (1918)

"No logical path"?

"Sympathetic understanding"?

Well, it sure sounds like Albert was a bit perplexed by the whole physics idea. He went on to study it for decades to come, and eventually created several theories, that, in a happy ending, made physics his bitch.

However, since the song does not specify a particular time period, Camel Doe can affirm this lyric of the day to be accurate. Good job, band! You always put a smile on Camel Doe's little face. Then he puts on glitter and dances around.